As an actor, that's nerve-wracking enough [drunk and doing coke] because you have to do it at the right level.

It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing.

If I have sex, I know my quarterly estimated taxes must be due. And if it's oral sex, I know it's time to renew my driver's license.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

I still got my hair, I'm not fat.

Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we're middle-aged, neurotic and fat.