Ray Romano Quotes

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

I just don't want to play the same guy again over and over.

I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

I do still get intimidated by certain things.

As an actor, that's nerve-wracking enough [drunk and doing coke] because you have to do it at the right level.

It was very nerve-wracking for me. I had to be drunk and have a threesome. I'm not that guy. Bobby Cannavale is that guy. But it was Vegas and things got crazy, and it happened. We go to Vegas to try to sign Elvis Presley and things get crazy. My character [in Vinyl] is stoned.

Whenever I get down about life going by too quickly, what helps me is a little mantra that I repeat to myself: at least I'm not a fruit fly.

For a sitcom sex scene, you get in bed and that's the end of the scene. It quick and it was fast, but it was foreign territory for me. Not for Bobby. Bobby Cannavale has been down that road before. With my character, I think it will be a one-and-out. I don't think you'll see my character [in Vinyl] naked again, so relax everybody.

The only thing I miss from the sitcom format is that immediate gratification of when you're, if we're talking about comedy, of the live audience.

If I'm really considering doing film from now on then that is the smart thing to do, or you can go either way. You can just do the same character over and over again and make a different comedy like over and over again.

I like doing film, you know, single-camera.

Sex after one child shows down. After twins... ooh... I'll tell you what it is for us. I'll share it with you. Every three months. We don't plan it that way. That's just how it works out. It's the weirdest thing. You know what I do? Every time I have sex, the next day I pay my estimated tax. My quarterlies are due. If it's oral sex, I renew my driver's license.

You know, a TV show is a slow build.

I do know its important to keep the romantic spark alive in your marriage. But with four kids, sometimes it's enough just to keep yourself alive.

I do what I do because I love it.

If a guy's ever telling you a four-hour sex story with a straight face, just feel sorry for him. Not for lying to you, but for lying to himself. As a matter of fact, stop him right in the middle of the story and just hug him. Nine times out of ten he'll just break down and cry. He knows you know.

Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.

I have this mistress: show business.

I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

I don't want to say work is who I am, but some people feel more centered and more whole when they're producing and creating.

I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived.

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

After 'Raymond,' there was this big feeling of, 'What do I do next?'

I lived at home till I was 29.

Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

The fact that they let me in a movie with Gene Hackman has left me with no faith in show buisness.

It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing.

People are going to see both of us and think it's an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It's not an easy switch. It's not an easy transition from TV to film.

I have the show because I'm insecure. It's my insecurity that makes me want to be a comic, that makes me need the audience.

You might think that's an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.

The best comedy, I feel, comes in a drama because it balances each other out.

It's starting to feel good, although I don't like feeling too good - that's not where my comedy comes from.

I don't know if you want to see the Everybody Loves Raymond guy in a nude scene.

Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters.

Failure-it centers me. Too much success has me thinking, All right, what's goin' on?

The successful golfers - they're like astronauts or pilots. They have that demeanor that they can focus and stay within that one moment and nothing distracts them. That's not me.

Nothing like a little chest pain to restore your faith.

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

I wasn't really that informed about the two-year-old. Oh, I'd read about them, and occasionally I'd see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

I still feel like an immature idiot inside, but I look in the mirror and - as a friend of mine once said- this old guy keeps getting in the way.

My career has been my craziest adventure.

Why can't I love him (a 2 yr old nephew) from afar? That's how I want to love him - through pictures and folklore.

That's the one thing I have over any twenty-one-year-old: a proud history of accumulated neuroses. That's the game in which I'm da man.

When you go to standup, there seems to be a common denominator of some form of need or want for validation from the audience that maybe you were lacking as a kid.