Unfortunately, the show's success comes at the expense of its biggest asset -- the comedians themselves.

A sold-out house my first night back. Do you have any idea what kinda pressure that is? I could have been at home in my warm bed, playing Nintendo.

I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety.

Someone called all the newspapers in New York and told them I'd died. I've been told by almost everyone it was an ex-wife - I've had a few so it's hard to pinpoint which one - but who knows for sure?

I was kicked out of school because of my attitude. I was not assimilating. So I went to work, taking any jobs I could get.

I won't talk about what it was like in prison, except to say I'm glad I'm out and that I plan never to go back and to pay my taxes every day.

What I never understand about a hangover is, where does the breath come from? You know what I mean? I mean, is someone shitting in your mouth?