Someone trying to be funny probably isn't as funny as someone who doesn't want to be funny but is and can't help it. Someone being serious or angry might be funny. If you get angry, the first thing I want to do is laugh because I don't know why you're getting that angry. Pathos makes me laugh, funerals make me laugh.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but if you believe in god, you're wrong.

It's a privilege to be in such a great category of people and... I don't believe in God, so I'd like to thank dogs. Dogs have given me everything.

I am not a wolf in sheep's clothing, I'm a wolf in wolf's clothing.

I don't believe in about 2700 Gods. Christians don't believe in 2699 Gods. They're nearly as atheistic as me.

Someone trying to be funny probably isn't as funny as someone who doesn't want to be funny but is and can't help it. Someone being serious or angry might be funny. If you get angry, the first thing I want to do is laugh because I don't know why you're getting that angry. Pathos makes me laugh, funerals make me laugh.

I remember one review of The Office Christmas Special that compared it unfavourably to Dickens. What? You're saying I'm not as good as the greatest storyteller ever. Boo! Boo! I think I can live with that.