We shouldn't even need the word 'atheism'. If people didn't invent ridiculous imaginary gods, rational people wouldn't have to deny them.

I don't think humans are meant to be looked at when we're buying pants.

I think, as a comedian, the funniest you can be is with people you know, and [whom] you've known for years, in a pub. That's as funny as you get, and so the aim [while stand-up] is to get that funny on stage with 5,000 strangers, to get that funny in a room where people shouldn't be listening but they are.

Your God is the best God. In fact, he's the only God. All other Gods are ridiculous, made up rubbish. Not yours though. Yours is real.

Just looking at all the faces here reminds me of some of the great work that was done this year . . . by cosmetic surgeons.

Remember, no one can hurt your feelings without your permission

I fought a bear once. But it started crying, so I let it off.