America champions the underdog. We champion the underdog until he's not the underdog anymore, and he annoys us.

I think, as a comedian, the funniest you can be is with people you know, and [whom] you've known for years, in a pub. That's as funny as you get, and so the aim [while stand-up] is to get that funny on stage with 5,000 strangers, to get that funny in a room where people shouldn't be listening but they are.

Suggesting I hate people with religion because I hate religion is like suggesting I hate people with cancer because I hate cancer.

What will it feel like after you die? Exactly the same as it felt for those billions of years before you were born.

The world is not entirely comic and it's not entirely dramatic. You have a laugh and then someone finds a lump and you deal with that. Because that is what life is like.

If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

Dear Religion, This week I safely dropped a man from space while you shot a child in the head for wanting to go to school. Yours, Science.