Thank you God for making me an atheist.

I think, as a comedian, the funniest you can be is with people you know, and [whom] you've known for years, in a pub. That's as funny as you get, and so the aim [while stand-up] is to get that funny on stage with 5,000 strangers, to get that funny in a room where people shouldn't be listening but they are.

Hotel bars are pretty good. No one bothers me there. Restaurants are safe. People are quite respectful when you're eating. But what I never do now is go to a busy bar on the weekend, or after 8 o'clock at night. That's the danger zone. Also being trapped. Never go on the Metro, or a bus.

Blasphemy: a law to protect an all-powerful, supernatural deity from getting its feelings hurt.

If all the Atheists & Agnostics left America, they'd lose 93% of The National Academy of Sciences & less than 1% of the prison population.

Celebrities, make it harder for hackers to get nude pics of you from your computer by not putting nude pics of yourself on the computer.

The next time someone is critical of you, just take a moment to consider their life. Then smile to yourself.