A joke isn't yours. It's used and you don't know where it's been.

The only reason I work out is so I can eat more cheese.

If you pay attention to good critics, you have to listen to the bad. So you have to ignore them all really. You can't just cherry pick the glowing ones.

When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.

Someone trying to be funny probably isn't as funny as someone who doesn't want to be funny but is and can't help it. Someone being serious or angry might be funny. If you get angry, the first thing I want to do is laugh because I don't know why you're getting that angry. Pathos makes me laugh, funerals make me laugh.

I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.

Some [people] are really smart. You know who you are. Some [people] are really thick. Unfortunately, you don't know who you are.