Don't ask to live in tranquil times. Literature doesn't grow there.

Once you know what women are like, men get kind of boring. I'm not trying to put them down, I mean I like them sometimes as people, but sexually they're dull.

I think gay people are like blondes: There're fewer of them but they have more fun.

There hasn't been a day in my life since I started Latin in ninth grade that I haven't benefited by the lives of the ancients.

It doesn't matter to me. We're still cousins in our own way. Blood's just something old people talk about to make you feel bad.

I think the reason I choose the comic approach so often is because it's harder, therefore affording me the opportunity to show off.

If you don't like my book, write your own. If you don't think you can write a novel, that ought to tell you something. If you think you can, do. No excuses. If you still don't like my novel, find a book you do like. Life is too short to be miserable. If you do like my novels, I commend your good taste.