In real life, I am alarmingly boring.

If you have an opinion on what other adults do consensually with other adults when they take their pants off, you're a weirdo.

My stand-up is far more rooted in reality than my Twitter.

Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

It's hard for me to get embarrassed, but the things that do embarrass me would be if anybody ever heard my wife and I talking in our robust, made-up language.

Elderly people, I have found, when they're being honest, are also scumbags, and enjoy a little prurient humour as well.

I don't think of marriage as the drudge work that a lot of sitcoms and movies might have shown it to be, I think it's more deadly murderous rage, unadulterated passion, soul-crushing purgatorial dread... It's more interesting.