If you have an opinion on what other adults do consensually with other adults when they take their pants off, you're a weirdo.

I hate wearing suits and ties.

Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

It's a good idea to have a break, to let your mind rest and so you can start to cultivate ideas.

People moved in across the street and are immediately cutting down a huge tree. Their toothbrushes will know my buttonhole.

The danger for a comedian on Twitter is the same danger that any civilian faces: sometimes you gotta put that phone down and go live your life. When you're on Twitter, you're not living, and if you're not living, you're not taking in stimuli with which you can create new material.

Politicians, it's in their job description to just lie, every day.