I can't 'make' you love me. But I can fill my pantry with your favourite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.

People moved in across the street and are immediately cutting down a huge tree. Their toothbrushes will know my buttonhole.

I hate wearing suits and ties.

Elderly people, I have found, when they're being honest, are also scumbags, and enjoy a little prurient humour as well.

On Twitter, I just want to make you laugh at all costs.

A long-term relationship is about showing up and working hard and banking on each other. If one's down, the other might be up and can help the other one up, and sometimes you're both down and you just [band] together. Endurance is a big theme of it for me. That might not sound romantic, but I kind of think that it is.

The danger for a comedian on Twitter is the same danger that any civilian faces: sometimes you gotta put that phone down and go live your life. When you're on Twitter, you're not living, and if you're not living, you're not taking in stimuli with which you can create new material.