I can't 'make' you love me. But I can fill my pantry with your favourite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.

Don't even FRONT like you love your family, America, or God, if you don't have a DETAILED & REHEARSED Black Friday tactical shopping plan.

Running is special. We've all done it: well, poorly, focused, in fear, being pursued, toward a goal. It's just elemental. Running is like fire.

But I also know in standup, there's nowhere to hide. You get on stage and you deliver, or you are eviscerated and you are thrown into a pile of bodies at the bottom of a mountain.

I no longer believe in freedom of speech.

I want people to feel good about themselves.

On Twitter, I just want to make you laugh at all costs.