I no longer believe in freedom of speech.

My stand-up is far more rooted in reality than my Twitter.

I'm endlessly fascinated by parenting, marriage, my wife and the ins and outs of marriage.

In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say “Yes” and hand me a chicken leg, or “No” and slap me with an old fish.

The danger for a comedian on Twitter is the same danger that any civilian faces: sometimes you gotta put that phone down and go live your life. When you're on Twitter, you're not living, and if you're not living, you're not taking in stimuli with which you can create new material.

I can't 'make' you love me. But I can fill my pantry with your favourite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.

People moved in across the street and are immediately cutting down a huge tree. Their toothbrushes will know my buttonhole.