I use Twitter as a tool to get involved with people, to sell tickets to gigs where I can stand in a room and smell the audience - and I love that!

Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

I'm endlessly fascinated by parenting, marriage, my wife and the ins and outs of marriage.

I'm crazy about Shakespeare, who was a notorious word inventor. And my wife is an English teacher, and she's hilarious.

I no longer believe in freedom of speech.

My stand-up is far more rooted in reality than my Twitter.

Don't even FRONT like you love your family, America, or God, if you don't have a DETAILED & REHEARSED Black Friday tactical shopping plan.