I'm a comedian at the beginning and the end of the day. I'm not affiliated with any campaign, nor do I generally find politics interesting enough to plan to be involved.

Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say “Yes” and hand me a chicken leg, or “No” and slap me with an old fish.

Politicians, it's in their job description to just lie, every day.

I want people to feel good about themselves.

I no longer believe in freedom of speech.

If you have an opinion on what other adults do consensually with other adults when they take their pants off, you're a weirdo.