It's probably not love if you don't press your face to the toilet seat after they've used it to feel their warmth.

In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say “Yes” and hand me a chicken leg, or “No” and slap me with an old fish.

Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

Elderly people, I have found, when they're being honest, are also scumbags, and enjoy a little prurient humour as well.

We can and should complain about certain horrors of the modern world, but when it comes to the treatment of mental illness, the advances made in the last hundred years have been far more significant than the space program, nuclear fission, or even The Wire, for so many fortunate people.

On stage, I'm me. I'm a husband, I'm a dad, I'm a guy, I'm a mess - but I am a cohesive thing that you recognize as one human entity saying these things that he generally believes.

I want people to feel good about themselves.