It's probably not love if you don't press your face to the toilet seat after they've used it to feel their warmth.

Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

I don't think of marriage as the drudge work that a lot of sitcoms and movies might have shown it to be, I think it's more deadly murderous rage, unadulterated passion, soul-crushing purgatorial dread... It's more interesting.

I'm a comedian at the beginning and the end of the day. I'm not affiliated with any campaign, nor do I generally find politics interesting enough to plan to be involved.

I no longer believe in freedom of speech.

People moved in across the street and are immediately cutting down a huge tree. Their toothbrushes will know my buttonhole.

My stand-up is far more rooted in reality than my Twitter.