I've found out why people laugh. They laugh because it hurts so much . . . because it's the only thing that'll make it stop hurting.

If I don’t start having service I’m going to swap you all for a dog and shoot the dog.

They didn't want it good, they wanted it Wednesday.

Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.

I have never been able to see how a thirty-year old moron can vote more wisely than a fifteen-year old genius.

There were many, many times thereafter that Don regretted having enlisted - but so has every man who ever volunteered for military service.

Jill: 'I don't pay attention to politics.' Ben: 'You should. It's barely less important than your own heart beat.' Jill: 'I don't pay attention to that, either.'