Small change can often be found under seat cushions.

When railroading time comes you can railroad—but not before.

My dear, I used to think I was serving humanity . . . and I pleasured in the thought. Then I discovered that humanity does not want to be served; on the contrary it resents any attempt to serve it. So now I do what pleases myself.

I've found out why people laugh. They laugh because it hurts so much . . . because it's the only thing that'll make it stop hurting.

Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.

Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny

Don't ever become a pessimist... a pessimist is correct oftener than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun, and neither can stop the march of events.