I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.

People who begin sentences with "I may be old-fashioned but--" are usually not only old-fashioned but wrong. I never thought the time would come when I should catch myself leading off with that crack. But I feel it coming on right now.

If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge.

Breaking the ice in the pitcher seems to be a feature of the early lives of all great men.

All laughter is a muscular rigidity spasmodically relieved by involuntary twitching.

Who said time machines haven't been built yet? They already exist. They're called books