If Shakespeare were alive today and writing comedy for the movies, he would be the head-liner for the Mack Sennett studios.

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.

Consider the number of young people all over the world who are getting married, day in and day out, for no other reason than thatsomeone of the opposite sex looks well in a green jersey or sings baritone, and then tell me that divorce has reached menacing proportions. The surface of divorce has not even been scratched yet.

You want to go easy on the suicide stuff - first thing you know, you'll ruin your health.

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.

A man of forty today has nothing to worry him but falling hair, inability to button the top button, failing vision, shortness of breath, a tendency of the collar to shut off all breathing, trembling of the kidneys to whatever tune the orchestra is playing, and a general sense of giddiness when the matter of rent is brought up. Forty is Life's Golden Age.