A man who has his initials on his pyjamas must be uncertain of himself. Surely you should know who you are at bed time.

When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of the mess I am in now, he thought for a long time, and I didn't care much for his answer. 'Yes,' he said. 'Death would help.'

A party: one arrives long after it's started, and one's going to leave long before it's over.

I have little patience with anyone who is not self-satisfied. I am always pleased to see my friends, happy to be with my wife and family, but the high spot of every day is when I first catch a glimpse of myself in the shaving mirror.

I don’t work. I merely inflict myself on the public.

Every child should be placed on a doorstep to sell something. It's the best possible training for life.

Most owners are at length able to teach themselves to obey their dog.