Show me the man who has enjoyed his schooldays and I will show you a bully and a bore.

The British tourist is always happy abroad as long as the natives are waiters.

I have little patience with anyone who is not self-satisfied. I am always pleased to see my friends, happy to be with my wife and family, but the high spot of every day is when I first catch a glimpse of myself in the shaving mirror.

When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of the mess I am in now, he thought for a long time, and I didn't care much for his answer. 'Yes,' he said. 'Death would help.'

I don’t work. I merely inflict myself on the public.

If in the paddock the owner is surrounded by a herd of young children, don't back his horse. But if the owner is accompanied by a beautiful lady, plunge to the hilt.

If people take the trouble to cook, you should take the trouble to eat.