If in the paddock the owner is surrounded by a herd of young children, don't back his horse. But if the owner is accompanied by a beautiful lady, plunge to the hilt.

When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of the mess I am in now, he thought for a long time, and I didn't care much for his answer. 'Yes,' he said. 'Death would help.'

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.

A party: one arrives long after it's started, and one's going to leave long before it's over.

The ball is man's most disastrous invention, not excluding the wheel.

Beware of the conversationalist who adds "In other words."

A man who has his initials on his pyjamas must be uncertain of himself. Surely you should know who you are at bed time.