If you get a ticket, you can go to traffic school, and they make you watch movies for like eight hours: head-on collisions, mannequins flying out the windshield. At the end of the movie, the instructor goes, 'Now what have we learned by this?' Never let a mannequin drive your car.

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you say, "You better let him finish."

I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.

A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week.' Yeah, where is that? 'Cause I wanna move there.

It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have pot in the glove compartment?

Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.