We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

There's a time for daring and there's a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for.

Don't associate yourself with toxic people. It's better to be alone and love yourself than surrounded by people that make you hate yourself.

Never go to Pluto, it's a Mickey Mouse planet.

Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public. Once you step on stage you're licensed to do that. It's an understood relationship. You walk on stage - it's your job.

I was in Iraq, Afghanistan, Djibouti, Bahrain. The first year I went pretty much by myself. Then I went with General [Richard] Myers, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The shows and audiences were amazing. You'll never get a better group of people.

My mother's idea of natural childbirth was giving birth without makeup. She was hyper-positive - the world is a wonderful place, rainbows and unicorns. If you said anything contrary to her, you were basically exiled.