I'm a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge.

Ronald Reagan is the world's largest Muppet.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, 'Wonderful. Just have a back-up profession like welding.'

It's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut.

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's 5:00 in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."