Crying never helped anybody do anything, okay? You have a problem, you face it like a man.

Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public. Once you step on stage you're licensed to do that. It's an understood relationship. You walk on stage - it's your job.

Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying "I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award." The other is "You want fries with that?".

Women have so many levels. There's the physical level, which is a lot of fun. There's this emotional level, which is extremely mercurial.

Ballet: men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.

There's a time for daring and there's a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for.

I was once walking in an airport and a woman came up to me and said, 'Be zany!'. That'd be like walking up to Baryshikov and going, 'Plie! Just do a plie! Do it! Do a releve right now! Lift my wife!'