When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'

You're still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude

It never fails - you get in the bath and there's a rub at the lamp

My favorite is when you go to Afghanistan and you meet the special forces guys, and they look like these heavily armed surfers. These guys are the best. You see guys dressed as full Afghans, but then wearing a Yankees hat.

Please, don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting.

Comedy is there to basically show us we fart, we laugh, to make us realize we still are part animal.

They say our mothers really know how to push our buttons - because they installed them