I want everyone out there in TV land to touch the TV. Touch the back of the TV and get a shock for Jesus.

Even when I did my Broadway show, I did 15 minutes no one had seen before, because that was the night that Michael Jackson protested about Al Sharpton bailing on him. I said, "Wow, if that man bails on you, this must be really a lost cause."

I'm fascinated by the new iPhone. I bought it and kept trying to use it in France. "Siri, what is a good restaurant?" (In a robotic voice.) "I'm sorry, Robin. I can't give locations in France." "Why, Siri?" "I don't know." It's like she was upset with the French or something. "They seem to have an attitude I can't understand. Should I look for Germans, Robin?"

We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

Now you can't even carry a nail clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're going to go..."All right! Give me the plane or the b*tch loses her cuticle." ?

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

The sort of liveliness which increases with age is not far distant from madness.