It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time.

Humor is a great defense, and an offense too. Usually the recipient isn't too happy about it, but the people around are laughing.

I used food to make myself feel better, but I felt worse when I ate.

A human life is just a heartbeat in heaven.

My comedy is like emotional hang-gliding.

I was in Iraq, Afghanistan, Djibouti, Bahrain. The first year I went pretty much by myself. Then I went with General [Richard] Myers, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The shows and audiences were amazing. You'll never get a better group of people.

Reality: What a concept!