Clouds are like boogers hanging on the nostrils of the moon.

There's a time for daring and there's a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for.

Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public. Once you step on stage you're licensed to do that. It's an understood relationship. You walk on stage - it's your job.

In America, they really do mythologize people when they die.

Even evangelicals realize that Pinocchio's father was a carpenter too. That's the old joke.

We're dealing with fundamentalists... the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that.

I couldn't imagine living the way I used to live. Now people come up to me from the drug days and go, 'Hi, remember me?' And I'm going, 'No, did I have sex with you? Did I take a dump in your tool box?'