Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

The first time I ate organic whole-grain bread I swear it tasted like roofing material.

Friends come in all sizes, take it from me! Golly gee, size doesn't matter, when you want some friendly patter from a pal who is true.

Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying "I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award." The other is "You want fries with that?".

It is hard to find something where you can go off as much as I do in stand-up, but I think stand-up allows me that freedom where you can really go off and have a good time.

But only in their dreams can men be truly free. It was always thus and always thus will be.

There's a world out there. Open a window, and it's there.