Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

I'm looking for Miss Right, or at least Miss Right Now

I don't do well with snakes and I can't dance.

A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material

For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I'm outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it's hardest to see.