Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

If you want to die, don't make a mistake and not quite kill yourself because the medical bills in America are hideous.

The only weapon we have is comedy.

Things that I see in the future. I see... it could be quite incredible if we can master a few problems, like the air and the water thing might be nice. I see governments dissolving these barriers are all falling down for economic reasons. They're all so interbound.

You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to.

Lance Armstrong pushes the envelope in terms of the human experience. You can have a personal best, you can push your own envelope. For Lance, the person pushing him is him. The only person he's competing with, I think, is himself. To push that limit to the next step. There's a lot to learn from him. Lots.

I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience.