Any umpire who claims he has never missed a play is . . . well, an umpire.

I never called a balk in my life. I didn't understand the rule.

Umpire's heaven is a place where he works third base every game. Home is where the heartache is.

No one ever grew up intending to be an umpire, except perhaps my friend Bill Haller. His brother Tom wanted to be a catcher, so an affinity for masks must run in that family.

Throwing people out of a game is like learning to ride a bicycle--once you get the hang of it, it can be a lot of fun.

One reason I never called balks is that I never understood the rule.

Lou Piniella only argues on days ending with the letter 'y'.