I'm a comedian, and I like to work on my live show, and if I'm doing television, I don't have time to work on my live show, and I can become a lame comic, and that sucks.

I quit smoking cigarettes and with the $70 a month I am saving not smoking cigarettes I'm smoking $700 worth of cigars.

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

From the very beginning I started with a beer and a cigarette because I couldn't figure out what to do with my hands. So usually I have a beer and cigarette and that's what I was doing with my hands because that looked natural and felt good.

Star Wars Episode Three (And One Quarter): Revenge Of The Hicks

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

You can only do two things with your life: give it away or throw it away.