Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

You can't fix stupid.

From the very beginning I started with a beer and a cigarette because I couldn't figure out what to do with my hands. So usually I have a beer and cigarette and that's what I was doing with my hands because that looked natural and felt good.

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.