I quit smoking cigarettes and with the $70 a month I am saving not smoking cigarettes I'm smoking $700 worth of cigars.

Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

The biggest piece of advice that I give young comedians is: If it's your goal to get where I'm at, go do something else. Because you'll never get here. Never. The odds are so bad. Because not only do you have to be a really, really strong comedian but you also have to be lucky. And most people don't get that combination.

My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.