I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level.

My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.

The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.

I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

I only like the live audience. I don't even like to do standup where it's being filmed. Because it affects the way the audience responds to what you say, because it makes them uncomfortable. You have to perform in a light room, and I prefer a dark room. But I love to perform, and I don't really see myself doing any television at all.

If you kill someone in Texas, we'll kill ya back.