Relationships give us a reason to live. Revenge.

I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

I was an ugly baby. On my birth certificate there was a listing for Probable Cause.

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.

A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'

One question on hospital admittance forms really gets me. "Sex: Male or Female?" Do I want to be in a hospital where they can't tell the difference?