Where there's a will there's a dead person.

Sometimes the unexpected does happen. Once, this exquisite woman fell for me. After we made love, she gave me a check for a hundred dollars. I said, "Honey, I don't get paid for sex." She said, "This is hush money."

I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.

As a teenager I just wanted to fit in, just to be one of the boys. It was tough. I went to an all black school. I went so far as to have them print my negative in the yearbook. I think it was the black teeth that gave me away.

I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What good would that do?

I was an ugly baby. On my birth certificate there was a listing for Probable Cause.

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.