One question on hospital admittance forms really gets me. "Sex: Male or Female?" Do I want to be in a hospital where they can't tell the difference?

Where there's a will there's a dead person.

I was an ugly baby. On my birth certificate there was a listing for Probable Cause.

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.

Sometimes the unexpected does happen. Once, this exquisite woman fell for me. After we made love, she gave me a check for a hundred dollars. I said, "Honey, I don't get paid for sex." She said, "This is hush money."

A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'