I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What good would that do?

As a teenager I just wanted to fit in, just to be one of the boys. It was tough. I went to an all black school. I went so far as to have them print my negative in the yearbook. I think it was the black teeth that gave me away.

Sometimes the unexpected does happen. Once, this exquisite woman fell for me. After we made love, she gave me a check for a hundred dollars. I said, "Honey, I don't get paid for sex." She said, "This is hush money."

I was an ugly baby. On my birth certificate there was a listing for Probable Cause.

I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5000 at a reincarnation. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once!

Relationships give us a reason to live. Revenge.

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.