Don't call people names you dirty name caller you.

Who's elk horn do I have to blow in order to get something to eat around here?

Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.

My husband says, 'God, Roseanne, I can't remember the last time we had sex.' Well, I can, and that is why we ain't doing it.

I will barnstorm American living rooms. Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election.

I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.

I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.