You know, I'm blessed. 'Blessed' is a better way of saying 'rich.'

Impeach the President and the Vice President, they are traitors to America, and so are all of their supporters. Impeach! Anyone in congress who refuses to save our union from these traitors by doing nothing needs to be recalled.

My husband is almost as heavy as I am. We were married in adjoining churches.

I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions.

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.

Suddenly, people had three phone numbers but never answered their phones.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.