You know, I'm blessed. 'Blessed' is a better way of saying 'rich.'

There is no scarier chasm of darkness than the human mind.

I had - after I sang the 'Star Spangled Banner' so badly, after my tragic singing accident, after that, you know, all my stuff kind of, like, really got even more full blown and, you know, I got stage fright and, you know, I couldn't do stand-up anymore and let alone sing and all the other things.

I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.