Laugh every day as much as you can.

A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer.

I first would allow the guilty bankers to pay, you know, the ability to pay back anything over $100 million [of] personal wealth because I believe in a maximum wage of $100 million. And if they are unable to live on that amount of that amount then they should, you know, go to the reeducation camps and if that doesn't help, then being beheaded.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.

I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.

I signed a deal with Satan because I wanted to get famous. Then I forgot I had a deal with Satan and then I got really famous.