When there's a good fit between skills and expectations, there's what we call compatibility, and we would expect a good outcome. When there's a poor fit between expectations and the capacity of the kid, there is incompatibility, and that's when we see people exhibit challenging behavior.

Solutions can't be imposed. That just fosters resentment.

Being completely in control is a fantasy.

We never get to see that our kid is capable of solving problems on her own. We never start to build up the faith that they can actually do it.

My advice to educators is collaborate with parents; they know a lot about their kids.

Be your kid's collaborative partner, but also be a collaborative partner with the folks at school. Schools can be pretty unilateral too. Show them you know how to collaborate. Show them this is not about power. Let them know detentions and suspensions and paddling don't solve the problems that are affecting kids' lives. Those problems can be identified and solved but not by being punitive.

The idea that we can take this lump of clay and mold it into a form of our choosing is absolutely ludicrous.