Drugs and alcohol are not my problem, reality is my problem, drugs and alcohol are my solution.

Surfing should be called "foam-choking" or "sea stabbing.

Fear travels fast. Love travels a little more slowly. Rationale takes a little more consideration.

A Halloween-haired, Sachsgate-enacting, estuary-whining, glitter-lacquered, priapic berk How dare I, from my velvet chaise longue, in my Hollywood home like Kubla Khan, drag my limbs from my harem to moan about the system? A system that has posited me on a lilo made of thighs in an ocean filled with honey and foie gras'd my Essex arse with undue praise and money.

I didn't take a job on Fox News because I'm interested in progress. I'm interested in shouting and pointing and simplifying things!

When you're married, it's one person. That's one more than a monk. It's not that different.

Animals, children, and the working class comprise the company in which I'll feel most at ease.