Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.

I've never said flange to a monkey!

I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.