I've never said flange to a monkey!

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

Music's the best thing we do as humans, isn't it? Music, I mean you flail your limbs, make you move in a way you don't understand. Or it can make you weep like a sailor's wife staring at a storm.

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!