What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there.

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."

I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.