What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".

With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he didn't - he looked like someone had melted goat's cheese over a sex doll.'

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?