Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there.

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.