Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.