Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.

With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he didn't - he looked like someone had melted goat's cheese over a sex doll.'

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.