Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there.

I've never said flange to a monkey!

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.